


Things The 501st Isn’t Allowed to Do

by Jen425, Punky12345678



Series: Clone Files [1]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Echo may be in need of a councilor, Gen, Humour, Kicks is scary, The 501st is crazy, group project
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21668143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jen425/pseuds/Jen425, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Punky12345678/pseuds/Punky12345678
Summary: The 501st aren’t allowed to do a lot of things, here’s a list.
Series: Clone Files [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1562098
Comments: 83
Kudos: 278





	1. Rules 1-10

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TabbyWolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TabbyWolf/gifts), [lyliluna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyliluna/gifts), [Jen425](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jen425/gifts), [Iamprongsie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamprongsie/gifts).



1\. Give hardkase access to the explosives with instructions to go nuts.

2\. Drink Red Bull. No exceptions, they’re all gonna do stupid things (Fives, Hardcase, Jesse) or start overworking (Rex, Kix, Echo). This includes non clones especially (looking at you Anakin and Ahsoka) (rule made by Obi-Wan)

3\. Attempt to summon demons or cast curses on each other. Yes Kicks, we mean you.

4a: try to put a clone helmet on Commander Tano’s head  
4b: two buckets isn’t allowed either Fives.

5\. Try to steal Echo’s treakle sticks.

6\. Come up with an Idea before Rex has had enough caf to sink a cruise.

7\. Have anyone other than Rex explain 501st logic to anyone not part of the 212th, 104th, 327th or 41st.

8\. Take orders from drunk Anakin. It doesn’t matter that he’s a General, just don’t. Also, drunk Anakin should be arrested and thrown in the brig in sight. I exceptions. We don’t want a repeat of the gunship inciden.

8.5 Take orders from drunk Kicks. It’s not worth it.

9\. Rock up to a mission briefing sans armour, in civvie.

10\. Swap Kix’s caf for herbal tea. He *will* find you, and you *will* be on the receiving end of a particularly nasty booster shot in the next vaccination round.


	2. Rules 11-20

11\. Tell the general what actually happened to his cupcakes. Just no.

12\. Try and beat commander Tano in a backflip match.

13\. Put malasus in Tup’s tea in place of honey.

14\. Put hair dye in Tup’s special shampoo.

15\. Fives isn't allowed anywhere near googly eyes.

16\. Echo is not a techy, no matter how much he knows.

17\. if you refer to him as 'the 501st's resident techie,' he's not responsible for the consequences.

18\. Even if the galaxy depends on it, Rex isn’t allowed anything containing anymore than 1millogram of salt. No you can’t ask why.

19: do not give Commander Tano caf.

20\. when the general, the commander, and the captain are all making That Face, bring the grenades on the next mission. It's likely the plan involves who can destroy the most droids with a single grenade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, rules 11, 13, 14, 16 and 18  
> TabbyWolf, rule 19  
> Iamprongsie, rules 12, 15, 17 and 20
> 
> Review


	3. Rules 21-30

21) Tell General Kenobi about General Skywalker's relationship. General Kenobi knows and is tired. Let him be at peace for once

22) Mention Pipsqueak’s hight. Short does not mean harmless.

23) Pull an all-nighter when new armour comes out so they can paint it before all the other units

24) Feed Commander Tano tooka food. “She’s a carnivore” and “it’s not any less disgusting than the rations we’re supposed to eat” aren’t valid excuses, even if Commander Tano has no issue with eating tooka food if she’s hungry enough

_ (24b) feed Commander Tano tooka food. “She’s a carnivore” and “it’s not any less disgusting than the rations we’re supposed to eat” aren’t valid excuses, even if Commander Tano has no issue with eating tooka food if she’s hungry enough) _

25) No campfires on the ship, Hardcase

26) No matter what Fives says about them, bravo squad are Windue’s personal squad and must be given appropriate clearance. That doesn’t mean you have to make it easy, see the techies for more information.

27) Don’t pick fights with the Nulls, it’s not worth it. They all keep vibroblades in their gauntlets and their dad owns more weapons than Rex

28) Don’t touch Dogma’s feather head dress. YOU WILL DIE!

29) Tango and Taps are not secret agents, they’re freakishly good at disappearing.

30) Don’t interrupt Fives and Rex during their slasher movie marathon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TabbyWolf: 21, 24  
> Iamprongsie: 23, 25, 27  
> Punky12345678: 22, 26, 28-30


	4. Rules 31-40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since my co author forgot
> 
> Me, 29

31\. Do not, under any circumstances, ask for assistance using the words “can someone give me a hand?” within hearing distance of the General. The General has an abominable sense of humor. Do not.

32\. Coral and Crystal are no longer allowed in the hanger unless leaving the ship.

33\. Don’t challenge the commander to an eating competition, she’ll out eat you and cackle about it all week.

34\. Ignore rule number 33, that’s an order from Commander Tano.

35\. Hardcase, stop talking about your tragic backstory. “It all started on the day of my actual birth. Both of my parents failed to show up” is not a justification for anything.

35.5 Hardcase is no longer allowed to watch cartoons.

36\. Don’t mess with the settings on the aquarium, if you kill his fish Dogma will kill you.

37\. don't fuck with Rex's morning caf. ever.

38\. Do not give General Skywalker alcohol. Ever.

39\. Don’t give Jessy cherry juice, no you can’t ask why.

40: don’t give Fives large amounts of coke  
Edit: I meant the drink but please don’t give Fives any of the other stuff either -Kix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, 32, 35.5, 36, 39  
> Tabby Wolf, 34. 35, 38, 40  
> Iamprongsie, 33, 37  
> Lyliluna, 31


	5. Rules 41-50

41\. Echo is not secretly a droid.

41.5 You don’t need to pick a fight with those who use the slur “clanker clone” Echo will... deal with them himself.

41.5.2 friendly reminder that prosthetics can pinch really hard, and a request for echo to be a little gentle. I’m out of casts. -Kix.

42\. We do not speak of the pickle incident.

43\. Do not call our Commander cute, not even in a “tooka kind of way-“

44\. Do not ignore when someone tells you “if Dreamy’s twitching you better listen” it only ends in disaster.

45\. No sugar for Hardcase.

46\. Don’t throw ink, black dye or anything similar at Rex to “make him match”

47: do not shave off fives’ stupid goatee.

48: don’t insult your brothers’ facial hair.

49\. Drawing the goatee back on with sharpie is not allowed.

50\. Shade is notnor has he ever been daredevil, although he is flattered you think so highly of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, 41 42 44 45 50  
> Tabby, 41.5.2 43 46 47 48 49


	6. Rules 51-60

51\. Eli5 does not stand for “explain like I’m Fives”

52\. Don’t mention the cotton candy incident in hearing distance of Kicks.

53\. Blue butterflies are to be avoided at all costs.

54\. Do not put that bug in your mouth. You know who you are. I don’t care if you outrank all of us, I WILL call General Kenobi.

55\. I call dibs on this one. It’s mine, it’s got my number on it.

56\. Fives is no longer allowed to make rules.

57\. Hardcase is no longer allowed to mix drinks.

58\. J-pop is now band.

59\. Hardcase, you’re 24. Stop telling people you’re actually 12 when it’s convenient.

60\. exception to rule 59: movie tickets and anything else that’s cheaper if you’re 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me 52 53 57 58  
> Tabby 51 54 55 56 59 60
> 
> Heey people, so i’m plann On writing a ask the 501st fic, but I need questions. So if you wouldn’t mind leaving some questions for our fav boys in blue along with a review?


	7. Rules 61-70

61\. Grenades are no longer allowed during live fire practice, you know who you are and why.

62\. Do not, ever, drink from the caf pot after Kix has brewed it unless you want caffeine poisoning.

63\. Kicks is now band from horror movies.

64\. You will fear the medics, you will obey the medics.

64.2. We will restrain you if we have to. You know who you are.

65 no you can’t keep the giant bird.

66\. All orders pertaining to the chancellor given by Anakin Skywalker are to be ignored unless they involve an arrest warrent.

67\. do not swing on the pendulum in the engine room singing wrecking ball *or* chandelier.

68\. No you can’t use the engine of the Twilight to make toast.

69\. Any jokes pertaining to this number are banned effective immediately!

70\. No you can’t freeze hardcase in carbonite... Kicks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me 61 63 64 65 66 68 70  
> Iamprongsie 62 67 69  
> Anna 64.2
> 
> Hey peoples, so I need a couple more questions for our boys in blue. Also do you remember Taps and Tango? Would you like a story about them?


	8. Rules 71-80

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me 71 74 76 77 80  
> Tabby 73 79  
> Lee 72 75  
> Lyli 78
> 
> Happy Christmas people, I will be putting notes up here.
> 
> I will also be asking a question each chapter.
> 
> If you could be reborn as any clone, which would it be?

71\. It followed me home is not a valid excuse.

72\. Neither is ‘commander Tano asked me to’

73\. Neither is “general Skywalker ordered me to”

74\. Kicks smiling is not the first sign of the appocalips, no matter what Hardcase says.

75\. Rex being in a good mood in the morning is also not a sign of the apocalypse, *Fives*

76\. While Tup not being as immaculately groomed as usual isn’t a sign of the appocalips, Hardcase being as rule abiding as Dogma definitely is.

77\. Don’t touch Sketch’s tablet.

78\. Do not touch Stitch’s sewing supplies. Do not.

79\. Do not switch stitch’s sewing supplies with Kix’s suture kit or Kix will lose your vaccination booklet by accident (which means you need all of them again).

80\. Don’t touch anything that belongs to REx.


	9. Rules 81-90

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me 81 82 85 85.5 85.20 86 87 89  
> Tabby 83 85.10 85.30 85 cont 86.a  
> Lee 84 85.15 85.25 88 90
> 
> Happy new year!
> 
> How do you think a clone rebellion would play out?

81\. Sponge cake is now band.

82\. Kicks knows who filled that bacta tank with sirup, Run.

83\. Glitter is now illegal.

84\. Just - just don’t stick googly eyes on important things like guns.

85\. Rex is no longer allowed to choose the movie for movie night.

85.5 Breakfast at tithany’s is now banned.

85.10 so is sharknado, Hardcase.

85.15. So is the Matrix, Echo.

85.20 As is It, Kicks.

85.25. And the mummy, Jesse.

85.30 or anything by Michael bay, General Skywalker.

86\. Commander Tano is to be avoided every second week of a month, if not possible then complete obedience is required.

86.1 do not try to give her a peace offering of chocolate. It’s effective, but if we all do it she’s gonna be sick and I don’t want to mop up the result again. Signed, Kix

85 (continued) General Skywalker is not allowed to watch home alone, not even on Christmas. If he does either watch the movies or is caught re-enacting any part the movie, contact General Kenobi immediately on the emergency comm channel.

87\. Not being payed enough is no excuse to not do your paperwork, Rex.

88\. No Rex, you cannot pay Cody to do your paperwork - the poor man's drowing in Obi-Wan's paperwork as well as his.

89\. Rex, you’re not allowed to dye a shiny blonde and sneak off to places unknown.

90\. Skywalker, Tano, stop fobbing your paperwork off onto Rex. He can't handle it.


	10. Rules 91-100

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me 91 92 94 94.10 94.20 94.30 95 98  
> Tabby 93 94.15 94.25 97 99 100  
> Lee 94.5
> 
> Ladies, gentlemen and those of us who fall into neither of the above, I’m so sorry for the wait. Shameless plug time. Please go read my stories, 501st mission reports and Clone rap battles.
> 
> If your favourite clone joined the avengers, what would their hero name be?

91\. Hardcase is banned from seaquins.

92\. Rex is not allowed anywhere near sizirs.

93\. Commander Tano is no longer allowed to put her cold hands on troopers faces, inside collars, beneath plates or anywhere near human skin after missions to ice planets or ocean planets. “Having a naturally cooler body temperature” and “needing to warm your hands” are not valid excuses.

94\. Kicks is no longer allowed near horror movies, they give him ideas.

94.5. Jesse is not allowed to watch horror movies and then report ideas back to Kix.

94.10. Dogma isn’t allowed to watch horror movies to report ideas to Jessy who will relay them to Kicks.

94.15. Cody isn’t allowed to watch horror movies either, though for his own sanity. He will not admit it but he’s not gonna sleep for a week.

94.20. No we don’t care that he’s not 501st.

94.25. He’s the closest thing we have to a clone commander, thanks to general Skywalker’s promotion techniques.

94.30. He is ours and we we will take care of him.

95\. General Skywalker is not suitable adult supervision.

96\. Kix, we don’t care if medics technically don’t have to take the hippocratische oath. If you hit Fives again for pulling out his stitches, we will force you to take it. We’re not fighting other humans anyway and “Do no harm” doesn’t apply to droids.

97\. If anyone pulls Commander Tano’s lekku, whatever happens next is the will of the force and us clones cannot save you Vod. Just remember that there is no death, only the force. Apparently.

98\. Sargeant Frost, you are no longer allowed near the gunships, also Kicks is looking for you.

99: remember our fallen brothers, and say their names at least once a week. We understand that this is hard since we have a lot of brothers, but at least remember your batchmates and those that you were close to. They’re not gone, merely marching far away. RIP.

100: please press the emergency alarm if you see Hardcase heading to the toilets with detonators.

**Author's Note:**

> Me, rules 1, 3, 5, and 7  
> TabbyWolf, rules 2, 4 and 8  
> Iamprongsy, rules 6, 9 and 10
> 
> Please comment.


End file.
